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I have one sister, named Katherine. From the day she was born, she was mine. Not my parents, mine. She is 2 years younger than me, but it doesn't feel like it. Where you found her, you found me and vice versa. It was more like being twins honestly. She is by far one of my best friends. Here are some pictures over the years.....not all of my faves, I will have to find some more and upload them......I do have some better/funnier pics to post but these were what I found for now.....

My Bachlorette Party!

Adding my veil on my wedding day


Also, these pics were the NORMAL ones! Usually photo shoots went something like this.....(and I was the normal one!)

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I have admitted defeat. I am once again stuck in a pit of despair. I am back on my depression/anxiety/ADHD medication. I cannot live without them. I have tried repeatedly to live without them and every time I sink lower and lower. It bothers me that I have to take medicine to be normal. But I guess taking it is better than NOT taking it. I have been in denial for awhile though. Trying to pull through. It hasn't worked. I feel MUCH more hopeful now. Just taking my ADHD meds again today has made a HUGE HUGE HUGE difference in the way that I feel and the way that I am acting.

This was a huge decision in the sense that the reason that I got off of the medication in the first place was so that I could get pregnant. So yeah, we will see what happens. For now we are putting pregnancy on hold while I get myself and my shit back in order.

So yeah.....that what is up with me....isn't that enough?!

In an aside, I learned how to put pics on DW and created a Flickr acct. Private for now til I figure out what I am doing......but you can now see a pic of my first love, and my parents. And soon my sister.....as I get caught up with the challenge. My one complaint is that the picture turned out tiny and I can't figure out how to make it bigger but hey.....it's a start.

Ok all for now. Days I don't even know what coming for the challenge.

Oh and for those of you that are like WTF where is this post going....I am on the medical version of meth for the first time in a long time and I had caffeine with dinner....so yeah I might just never sleep again, but hey I will catch up on my DW while I am awake! XD



Sep. 20th, 2011 02:13 pm
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So after my latest post, I found out that Steven has a family that wants to adopt him!!! I have been in contact with the family, and now I get to help these people adopt him! I am going to be doing some fund raising, and selling some jewelry and other crafty things, pillows, and cross stitch samplers and other stuff... anyway I am SO excited that this little boy has someone that wants him! Now for the hard part is getting them the money to adopt him, its expensive! Anyway, so grateful this little boy does not have to be alone anymore!
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September 11, 2011....10 years later. My heart is still broken. I can't sleep tonight because I am afraid something bad is going to happen like tomorrow or soon....my husband works near DC.....every year that September 11 goes by and we are still safe, I breathe a sigh of relief....well its now 10:54 pm and I don't feel any better. Instead I just feel anxious.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was a GORGEOUS day! Beautiful blue sky, about 70,with a nice breeze.I was living in Silver Spring, MD about 20 minutes from DC. I had a job in DC, but that day I was home sick. I went upstairs and turned on the tv in time to see the second plane hit. At first I was very confused and had no idea what I was really seeing.....I thought it was some very bad D grade made for TV movie....and then I figured it out. Then for just a moment I thought....I must be the only one that knows that this is even happening because I am the only one home, everyone else is at work. I finally got a hold of my dad and he told me that he had heard. Well while I was on the phone with him, the building collapsed. Meanwhile, my mom was working in DC and I was trying to get in touch with her and then the Pentagon was hit......basically it was just madness. Utter and total madness with shock and devestation thrown in. I basically just sat there and cried and cried and cried all day. I couldn't turn it off though. I had to see it for myself. I For so long it felt as though maybe it wasn't real. It was so awful and so much to comprehend, that I thought at times maybe I was dreaming. Unfortunately nothing was farther from the truth.

I was very lucky that day. I didn't lose anyone in my family or any friends of ours that lived in either city. Everyone that I knew and loved was safe. I know that others weren't as lucky.

Some memories I took from that day in pictures. That because I can't get to post you will just have to click on the links....sorry. I didn't take any of these pictures I found them all on the internet.


This was the flag placed by firefighters at the Pentagon.

The next picture I was trying to post which didn't work was the picture of Bush's face when he heard the news. I am not a Bush fan. But the look on his face says it all folks. He is a human being that just got told that the country that he loved was under attack and all of a sudden everyone is going to look to him for a miracle. Go to google images and type in bushs face on sept 11. Look at the first image. That look says it all. Shock, fear, it makes him human.

The last thing is this song called The Prayer. There are several versions of this song, but this one is with Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli. This is one of the first songs I heard after September 11 and to this day everytime I hear it, that is what I am reminded of instantly


I know that I will never forget that day. I will never forget what it was like to be watching that as it unfolded. Wondering every moment what was coming next. And the surrealism of the beauty of the day when such a tragedy was unfolding.

Sorry for unloading this all on y'all but I needed to have some way to remember this day.

Love you all ♥
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Oh complicated! Well I will start at the beginning.

My dad is the youngest of three in his family. My mom is the oldest of three in her family. My dad was born exactly three weeks before my mom in the same hospital delivered by the same doctor. They have known/dated each other since they were 13 years old and have been married for 41 years! PHEW! They grew up in the small town of Shreveport, Louisiana....and they met because of a freak snowstorm! My mom was staying at a friend's house and it snowed and my mom couldn't get home. Her friend's house happened to be around the corner from my dad's house, and all the neighborhood kids got together and played in the snow. My dad's mother invited everyone in for hot chocolate and that is how they met.

A funny story....when my dad was in college, he and my mom were dating but in a long distance relationship. One day the first week, my dad's roommate came in and said hey I want to take you downstairs to introduce you to some cool guys....so they went downstairs and when they walked into the guy's room there was a picture of my mom on the guy's dresser!! My dad was like uh....that is my girlfriend! Turns out the guy had a TERRIBLE crush on my mom and bribed her sister, my aunt, to give him a copy of her senior picture! HAHA

The other funny story is that my grandfather (mom's father) used to give my uncle 50 cents to go downstairs and spy on my parents when they were hanging out together. My uncle said my dad was the only guy smart enough to give him a dollar to go back upstairs and leave them alone!

I love my parents. I really do. But they are also the people that cut me the most deeply. As I said in the meme I did a few days ago...my mom isType A, the exact opposite from me, can cut me SO easily to the core! She makes me doubt myself, and she is very controlling.....but she is also one of the strongest, bravest people I know who is someone that can walk through fire with faith and grace under pressure. I don't know that I am closer to my dad, but we are a lot more alike. We both have ADHD so we are both sort of laid back, distractable, people. We both love history. My dad had a hard life growing up in his family. He never saw love expressed between his parents, he can't remember when he heard his parents tell each other or tell him that they loved him. Not that he thought they didn't, just that they never told him. One of my favorite memories is that one day when I was younger and living at home, my dad walked out the door one morning leaving for work. He came back in about 3 seconds later and I thought he forgot something. And he came over and gave me a hug and a kiss good bye. That is what he felt like he had forgotten and he came back into the house to do so.

So despite the fact that my parents can cut me to the bone, I am also very close to them.....sometimes too close....I am learning now how to set boundaries, and I have gotten better about opening my mouth to tell them everything like normal because lately sometimes I overshare and then it complicates things. All in all though, I know I am ridiculously lucky and grateful to have the kind of parents that I do. And I definitely appreciate them.

My parents and sister!
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My name is Merideth. I have been trying to figure out ways to use it and its always inevitably used as a profile ID name or what have you, so on a whim once I added sweet to the front of it. It was accepted so I have just been doing it since then. Hopefully its not too egotistical......
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Changed mine up in the middle, and am ALSO doing the one from Kazi and Ney. Day one is pretty close to what I have already done so yeah.

Day 1-Introduction, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3-Your first love
Day 4-Your parents
Day 5-Your siblings
Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7-Favorite movies
Day 8-A place you’ve traveled to
Day 9-A picture of your friends
Day 10-Something you’re afraid of
Day 11-Favorite tv shows
Day 12-What you believe
Day 13-Goals
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-DITL
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you’re looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 20-Nicknames
Day 21-Picture of yourself
Day 22-Favorite city
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you’ve learned
Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26-Picture of your family
Day 27-Pets
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-a picture
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1. Where is your mobile phone? On the table next to me.

2. Describe your boyfriend/girlfriend? My husband is tall, handsome, rugged looking, the nicest eyes EVER! He makes me laugh, and he makes me want to be a better person. He is incredibly smart, he teaches me new things every day, and I get to see a sentimental side of him that not a lot of other people do. It's nice.

3. Your hair? Shoulder-length,maybe a little shorter, medium blonde with blonder highlights. Hopefully I can get it cut again soon and maybe get some reddish parts in it.

4. Your mother? Type A, the exact opposite from me, can cut me SO easily to the core! Makes me doubt myself, controlling.....but I still love her a lot...and despite the negatives they come from a place of love and wanting the best for me and wanting me to be happy.

5. Your father? Loving, intelligent, sometimes makes me regret opening my mouth about something because he can blow things out of proportion. But I still love him a lot like my mom he just wants me to be happy and do what it is that I want to do.

6. Your favorite item? A book my sister made me, my cat ( I know she isn't an item but she is my favorite girl), my blanket.

7. Your dream last night? Didn't dream.

8. Your favorite drink? Diet Dr. Pepper, Coke Zero (although I try not to drink caffeine), chocolate milk, white grape juice....wish these were more exciting lol

9. Your dream car? "I don't even know. It's hard to weigh what I'd want against what's practical. With cars, the two don't converge." I LOVE THIS ANSWER! I am not sure I know what I would pick lol.

10. The room you are in? Living room.

11. Your ex? A bunch of jerks.

12. Your fear? Abandonment, being picked on, never being happy.

13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Happy. Well said!

14. Who did you hang out with last night? Tim and Maddycat

15. What you’re not? Healthy, thin, happy.....

16. The last thing you did? Typed an answer into this meme....

17. What are you wearing? Sweatpants, tshirt, long sleeved fleece shirt.

18. Your favorite book? The Westing Game, anything by Tamora Pierce, anything by David Eddings, Nancy Drew haha

19. Last thing you ate? Pizza

20. Your life? Meh

21. Your mood? So So

22. Your friends? Too far away....literally and figuratively.
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And just like that....with a phrase, I am totally deflated. And once again, asking myself why?
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I have some WEIRD food issues. lol well I don't really know that they are really food issues but I definitely have weird ideas about food.

When I was little, my dad used to call me white food girl. In the 80's Wendy's chains had a salad, pasta, and mexican bar in their restaurants....I used to go and get the bar and my plate would be full of flour tortillas and plain pasta. Apparently I was a carbaholic even then, but it does illustrate the white food concept. Even now I eat plain pasta with cheese, and if I am at a mexican restaurant I will often eat the extra plain torillas just by themselves.

In middle school everyone used to bring the packages of ramen noodles and just eat them raw. To this day, I still do that and it horrifies my husband.

I love tomatoes but I hate ketchup and I hate tomato sauce. When I order my pizza I order it with little to no sauce unless they have a white pizza option. I still eat my pasta plain. I like eating grape tomatoes for a snack, and when I am eating tomatoes I like them to be as a side dish on a plate. I don't eat tomatoes on my sandwiches or burgers. They have to be plain.

When I eat, I usually eat one thing on my plate first, then I move on to the next different thing, then I finish with whatever is left. But it's rare that I take a bite of one thing, then a bite of another or whatever. Also, sometimes with certain food I have to eat things in a certain order. Obsessive I know but that's the way it is.

Sometimes I get weird food cravings where I want a certain food all the time. It's not for any reason (you know like being pregnant or that time of month)it just is. When I get into these cravings I have to have this food over and over and over, almost every day. And then one day it just leaves. Some of these cravings have reintroduced me to foods that I used to hate when I was little but when I have cravings for them and eat them, then I like them...an example is string cheese. I used to HATE string cheese I thought it was so gross. Then I got a craving where literally I would eat like 7 servings of string cheese a day, like I couldn't get enough. Now I eat string cheese often. Lately I have been craving chocolate ice cream. Ever since I was a little kid I have ALWAYS preferred vanilla ice cream to chocoloate.....lately its been the other way around. I can't get enough chocolate ice cream. WEIRD.

Anyway yeah, so its not like anyone but Kazi and SabR read this, but if anyone wants to read it and share their food weirdness I look forward to reading about it! haha
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1. I am only 4' 10"

2. My real shoe size is 4 and a half, although I tend to wear a size 5 and in running shoes can wear a 6. I can also wear kids shoes.

3. I am the biggest carnivore I know that was also a vegetarian for 5 years. I think about going back to being veggie all the time, but I might have to make a few more trips to Outback or Ruth's Chris first! haha

4. If I could be a permanent student I totally would! There are so many more things I want to know about in life. If I could get paid to go to school that would totally be my job.

5. I always wished I was better at horseback riding than I am. I would have loved to go to the Olympics for riding, but not only do I not have the talent, I don't have the balls for that either. As much as I loved riding, I think one of the reasons I wasn't very good was that there was always the slightest element of fear there...I never was very good at completely letting go. I still miss it SO much and if I had the chance, I would ride every day.

6. I love to read all kinds of books, but my favorite genre is either fantasy, or juvenile fantasy in the vein of Tamora Pierce. I have many of the Tamora Pierce series, so when I am in one of my depressive funks I reread them for comfort....I also love Nancy Drew books! I could read them all day!

7. My favorite flowers are sunflowers and tulips.

8.My favorite colors are blue, black, silver, and green, and I am getting more and more into purple.

9.I am obsessed with moose. I don't know why but I think they are cool!

10. I miss who I was when I was a child. I feel like when I was young I was fearless. Now I am a wimp!

11.Many people don't understand some of my favorite scents.....horse, and baby smell. Everyone thinks of poop when they think of those two things, but actually horses and babies actually both have their own amazing smells and both are incredibly calming.

12. I love all food, all kinds of food. I love to eat. I HATE to cook. Seems like those two go hand in hand, but for me they don't. I go through waves in my life where sometimes I eat the same things I have always eaten, and other times I am brave.

13. There are things that I might have done in my life but I don't believe I am smart enough to do so I avoid them like the plague. Teaching anyone over 5 years old, talking politics or heavy subjects with other people, reading deep books are just some examples of things like this.

14. Hand in hand with number 13, I have been considering getting a dictionary and copying words out of the dictionary to improve my vocabulary. I do love word games but doing that seems awkward and crazy even to me!

15.What frustrates me most about myself is that I cannot get myself to do ONE thing to change things that I don't like about myself. I don't get that. If I don't like it, I have the power to change it and yet for whatever reason, I don't change it. WHY?!
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"So, I found this nifty list for a 30 day challenge for blogging and thought I would take it up. For me this was about getting back into blogging,and this challenge will give me a jumping off point!" I got this from some random person on the internet so please do not credit me. I assume that this would be done starting on the first day of the month, but since its the 7th today I will start today and go until October 7th or maybe the 6th since September only has 30 days ! YAY! And off I go!

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about blogging and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song.
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And once again I have journal that I never post in....I don't know why. Part of it is because I have no routine, no discipline. The other part of it is not knowing what to say or how to say it. Much of the time my thoughts are deep and dark. Some of them seem inappropriate to put here as well, especially as they concern other people (particularly my husband) because well its private business. So I think I should maybe write those elsewhere I don't know. I just know that I want to be this amazing creative being. I want to write a blog like those blogs that I read that are witty and have great pictures and music (incidentally does anyone know if its possible to add music to this blog?) and that people want to read. I know that life is not all sunshine and roses but I want a blog that people can read and be inspired by. A blog that even in the bad times reflects that life is still beautiful. But I get so bogged down in hell that when I am down there I have to drag everything and everyone else with me. Anyway....what I want to try to start doing is at least get some rotine down, where I write everyday. Anyone know of any challenges for this? Like posts you can make or questions you can answer? Maybe someone could even GIVE me a list of questions or things that they want to know and I can update it.....hmmmm that is an idea. If I can ever find my camera charger, I can charge my camera and start taking pictures and include those. Maybe I should take this blog in a weight loss direction, where I document the journey starting from where I am now to where I am going or how I get there....I just don't know. But I am tired of feeling overwhelmed by life. I am tired of being stuck in the rut. It definitely sucks. There are things I need to be doing, or things that want to do or that I can do (cross stitch, write, draw, bead, paint) I just can't seem to get myself to do them. All I seem to get from life anymore is apathy and anxiety. It's great let me tell you. If I am not stuck in one, I am stuck in the other. Mainly, I just don't know anymore. I really really really don't. Thanks for sticking around if you are reading this. Hopefully I will get some ideas.


May. 7th, 2011 05:39 pm
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So today is a beautiful day outside. My parents came over so my apt is relatively clean which is nice, their visit was MUCH less stressful than I anticipated, I have a new phone which ROCKS!!!! But I am sad. Really sad. All day. I know why. It is cause I ran out of my meds. But I can't take off work to go pick them up because I have missed too much work already. But they can't mail them to me because they are controlled substances and if they get intercepted or stolen its no bueno. So I am not doing well. Also, my therapist had surgery last Monday so she is out of commission for awhile. I guess I just have to bite the bullet and go pick them up at some point even if I do have to take off of work. ARGH. idk. It just sucks being sad. I don't know how to cope with it. I want to eat to numb myself, but because that is my coping mechanism, I have been gaining weight like mad. ugh. meh.
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My friend Kazi gave me that lovely word to say when life is just total beyond crap and you cannot take it anymore. So this is my vent post aptly titled BOHICA!!!! Which is best said as a war cry like so: BOOOOOOHHHHIIIIIICCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I am ridiculously angry with a coworker of mine. I don't even know seriously like how to make this go away. I know I am wasting my energy being angry at him. I know that I need to work on living peacefully in this situation but I am so angry. And the thing is that I don't like to fight dirty. I like to fight fair. So really I should be saying stuff as it happens (but I hate confrontations.) so when I don't say anything when it happens, then I don't want to bring it up later because that is not fighting fair. But seriously this is beginning to get ridiculous. But its just so frustrating. People say that they have eyes and they see more than we think they do about who is doing what, but it doesn't feel like that. It feels like he just gets away with everything and he just keeps getting rewarded for his behavior. Part of it is because I am not his co teacher, I am slightly below him which makes me feel like I can't say anything. The other thing is that I don't really think he gives a fuck. And why should he? He is getting away with it, so what does it matter that he strolls in late without even so much as a "I'm sorry" (we are talking like fifteen minutes to half an hour late EVERY DAY) meanwhile I live an hour away. And yet I am here every day on time if not early. I bust my butt but I do my job. But he doesn't get called on it so who cares. UGH. It is so much more than that. It really is the general irresponsibility of his every day. Last week, it was his turn to write the newsletter. Did he? No. Could he bother to tell us he couldn't so that we could write one so that the lack of newsletter wouldn't reflect badly on the team? No. Does he bother to interact with the kids often? No. Granted when he DOES interact with them, he is very high energy and they like him. But in the classroom most of the time he is either texting or on the computer, or if we are on the playground instead of monitoring the kids, he is playing basketball by himself. Just shooting baskets over and over and over. And yet, he gets to be a lead teacher, he gets put in a position to run summer camp, he gets selected for school visits and other things. Seriously? My boss says she sees what really goes on way more than we think she does but sometimes I am not so sure. It doesn't feel like it. It certainly feels like someone has his back. ALL THE TIME. And I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should tell someone everything that I see. Especially if I have not said anything to him first. I dunno.....I am not trying to start trouble, but this is SO frustrating, and it may be that he has a new young teacher working with him next year and I cannot let someone be in that classroom and experience that as their first year at NCRC. It would be very demoralizing I think.

And now the other thing that is killing me. My precious beautiful cousin was sexually assaulted this past weekend. She and her dad were sleeping at her dad's girlfriend's (Laurie) house. Laurie has a teenaged son and he brought some friends over. Well Kelly was sleeping on the couch and one of the friends sexually assaulted her while she was asleep. She woke up to it happening. She freaked out as expected, and the outpouring of support has been incredible! EVERYONE is on her side INCLUDING Laurie, Laurie's son, and most of their friends, including two teenaged girls who say that this guy has fondled them sexually before without their permission, grabbing their butts and their breasts. Kelly is pressing charges, and she said that the one good thing to come out of this horrible thing is that since she is older and wiser and has a shit ton of inner strength, she can stand up for herself and those other two girls where they might be scared to. But she is having nightmares, she is so anxious, she is just having a terrible time. All of this after starting 2011 by being physically assaulted by her mother on January 1st, and then being stalked, and terrorized by her mother after that until they were able to sell their house and move into a new one. She even had to go into "hiding" temporarily just so her mother couldn't get to her. It is just not fucking fair. I love this girl SO much and she lives so far away in Texas. So I can't save her, or kill people, or even just give her a hug. I can't be over at her house instantly after this happens just to hold her and let her cry or whatever. All I can do has to be over the impersonal phone or online or whatever else. And its killing me.

BLARGH. well I guess now I am just gonna go set up my classroom and get ready for this afternoon. Meh.At least now that I sat down and wrote I can probably get through the afternoon without losing my temper.
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Warning.....this post is BRUTAL truth. Read at your own risk....

Is there ever going to be a day when I wake up and am happy and think its a beautiful day and I am grateful to be alive? Cause I am way more apathetic than that. I have been sick so much that I just chalked that up to causing this latest depressive episode because I was in denial. I was like oh I am sick so yeah its ok to be down all the time and don't do anything.

I guess I should start relatively at the beginning. I have a vicious cycle going on with my living space, my apartment right now. It is an atrocious disgusting disaster, and it depresses me. But because it depresses me, it paralyzes me because its so beyond the realm of being able to clean and de clutter.

Its been like this for awhile. Once in awhile I will "crisis clean" when I am having guests. And every once in awhile I will clean for myself because I can't deal with it. Mainly I clean the kitchen pretty often because it gets piled of dirty dishes and stuff, and it gets to the point where I can't deal with it, so I do something about it. We order out for almost every meal, and when the kitchen is too cluttered with plates that need to be washed, or pots and pans from the last time we cooked, then I can't eat the food being brought in, so I have to clean so that I can eat. Because we eat out all the time I have blown up in my weight. I weigh the most ever, and I don't really care. Not that I don't care really its more that I am so depressed that I just keep eating and that is the part I don't care about. I am WELL aware that I am binging constantly now, but I can't seem to be able to stop.

Anyway, so the reason I brought this up, is because last week my parents were coming to pick me up for surgery. My mom mentioned she wanted to come up to use the bathroom. I told her we could stop at a gas station nearby. She then proceeded to SWEAR to me that she wouldn't say ANYTHING about my apartment no matter what. So I had her come up. This was Wednesday morning. We went to the hospital and right in front of my mom they measured my neck and decided that I was at danger for obstructive sleep apnea so they put a band on my arm saying so for during my surgery.

So flash forward until Friday. I have been out of surgery for 2 days, and my parents sit me down and proceed to AMBUSH me about my apartment and how they can't believe I live like that and they are SO worried that I am depressed. (which they are right) but I can't hear the message for about half an hour because I am PISSED that they lied to me about not saying anything. The ONLY reason I let them up to use the bathroom is because they told me they wouldn't say anything.

They proceeded to lambast me about my living habits and my weight, and telling me that there is no way I can have a baby with this kind of life, which is probably true and very painful, and meanwhile I was crying and blood was flowing out of my nose because you know, I just got out of SURGERY two days before this!

We talked for about two hours and eventually relief crept in that I can get some help again. So where we left it, I am going to see my psychiatrist to get BACK on meds, and this time I probably won't get off of them when it is time for me to get pregnant. Also, my parents want to talk to me on the phone everday and see me a few times a month for the next few months. I suppose I should be grateful to have parents that care so much and are so involved but let me tell you, talking to them since the conversation has been painful. My mom always is saying "oh i miss you, i miss having you here," and I am like yeah fine whatever. It's not that I don't love them but I am SO angry still and feel SO betrayed about the way I was ambushed in the whole situation that I can't get over it, it just irritates me when I talk to them on the phone. I don't WANT them right now because I am so pissed. I realize its going to take letting go and forgiveness on my part, but right now I don't have that. Right now what I have is written below.

Ever since we had that conversation, I have let myself acknowledge that I am depressed due to depression rather than being phsyically sick.I am stuck in this apathetic rut, I don't WANT to do anything, I don't CARE about anything. I have come to a point in my life where I just am. I am a blob that is just taking up space on this Earth, taking up space in people's lives. (By the way, I am NOT suicidal right now, just in case anyone has gotten this far and reads the sentence before then). But it does make me question WHY I am here. What am I doing here if I have nothing to offer, if I can't be a good wife, if I can't be a person that has children, if I can't be physically well enough to go to work, if I can't keep my living area "livable" then why the fuck am I here? I am just wasting oxygen.

ugh, I just don't know anymore, but I hate this feeling.
sweetmeri: (Default)
I cannot stop eating. I am not even really hungry. I know EXACTLY why I am eating. Its because I am exhausted, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, and its because I am FULL of anxiety. I am anxious about being sick, I am anxious about being overweight, I am anxious about missing work, I am anxious about going to the school auction, I am anxious about finishng my year when I don't want to, I am anxious about almost every aspect of my life. I am unsatisfied with the way things are going but it feels like I am almost paralyzed to change it.

And so I eat because when I eat myself into a stupor I don't have to feel how bad it feels to continue to be sick, to miss work again, to have a life that doesn't feel good. But I don't even enjoy it. It's SO frustrating. I think its MORE frustrating that I am aware that I am eating out of control but I can't seem to stop it. I am reading the book Breaking free from compulsive eating by Geneen Roth. And it speaks to me and it makes sense and I feel GOOD and POWERFUL when I follow her suggestions. And yet today I cannot follow them. My need to eat and eat and eat is too much. And I am trying to be aware of why I feel like that. And I am trying to be aware of the fact that ok so I have a binge big deal. The world is not over. I can start over at any time. But all I can think about is gorging myself on food. And part of the reason is that right now in my life there are things I can't change. I can't magically get well. That is going to take some time. I can't help being overweight right now. I will lose the weight eventually in order to be healthy, I will be able to walk once I feel better. I am at least below 200 lbs right now. Not by much but by enough I suppose. I can't help missing work, I needed a day to take care of myself. But now after today hopefully I can stay at work for the next month. And if I need the day to take care of my health I cannot afford to feel guilty or anxious about that. My health is too important and it could be that being anxious about it, is keeping me from getting better. As far as the rest of my life, I need to give myself a break. I need to maybe put my life on hold until after the surgery. I need to let it be ok for myself to let things get a little crazy on days when I don't feel good. If getting to work, getting THROUGH work, and getting home is all I can manage to do, and I dont' do ANYTHING else on my to do list, then that is ok. It has to be right now. I can't quit my job like I want so I have to figure out how I can get through the rest of the year. Social anxiety makes me SO not want to go to the auction but then I want to see some stuff like the pictures, and given that it is my last year, maybe I should go. But it seems like pulling teeth.

Wow there is so much to say but I am exhausted now just getting it off my chest. Now i just need to figure out how to best take care of myself today. I should definitely take a shower, I need to, and it is one way that I can take care of myself today.The problem is that I have so much other stuff to do that nags at me. I have to do dishes, I have to do laundry, I have to clean the living room, I have to mail things out, there are just a thousand things that I need to be doing. I just struggle to get it done, especially when I feel bad. So then I feel bad about NOT doing anything even though I am home sick, and so then I eat and eat and eat.

I suppose if I need to eat to get through it, then I need to eat to get through it. The point according to Geneen is that I know a) that I am binging and b) that I understand the reasons behind it. This is the first step to breaking free of compulsive eating. It means that there is awareness instead of mindlessness. It is the first step out. And writing helps apparently. It has taken me almost an hour to write this, even though it is short. I am slightly hungry I am going to try to wait and see what it turns into. To see if I can get hungry enough to make an informed decision about what I want to eat. I am going to see if I can get back on track. We will see. I tell you I would LOVE a big freaking steak. OMG. That would be amazing! Maybe I will convince Tim that we should get Outback for dinner! hmmmm that is DEFINITELY a thought. see even when my life is NOT about food, it so is. ARGH!
sweetmeri: (Default)
Tonight just sucks. No one is online to talk to because they are all doing Friday night sorts of things, Tim has to work all day tomorrow, other friends are mad at us that we had to cancel plans because Tim had to work. There is NOTHING on TV to watch. And I am just edgy and unhappy. Also have SOOOOOOO much crap to do tomorrow and really don't want to do ANY of it. (Even if I will probably feel better after I do).
sweetmeri: (Default)
So here is one of my quirks. It is something that I am really embarrassed of, but something that has completely taken over my life.

I am VERY sensitive to violence, tension, suspense, etc. Particularly that which is portrayed in movies. I haven't been to see a new movie in so long because since I don't know if something scary is going to happen and I can't control the situation it makes me so anxious that I do whatever I have to to avoid it.

This makes me SO embarrased. I can't go to movies with my friends, I miss out on good movies because I am so terrified and anxious of something that may turn out to be fine, that I just don't go.

I am sure y'all by now are thinking oh its probably horror movies or like Silence of the Lambs.

No, no. What is so embarrassing and has me so fucked up right now is that I am about to head out to celebrate my father in law's bday. He wants to go see a particular movie that normally would avoid at all costs. But you know it's not about me. So I was like ok. I will try to go. Meanwhile my stomach is in knots or in my throat and I am at the edge of a panic attack. But I decide to try to put that aside for my father in law because it would make him happy.

Imagine my distress when I go to check out info about the movie before I go so I can be prepared and realize that the movie in question is PG. FUCKING PG! And I am in tears because I am so fucking anxious about a movie that fucking 10 year olds can go see. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!

Just to get through a fucking PG movie, I am going to have to take some serious anxiety medication so that I can get through 2 hours of life. And when I come out of the movie, I am going to have the tension headache from HELL because of it. And its a fucking child's movie.

So yeah now you know why I am embarrassed, why I hate myself, and that I am seriously fucked up in the head.

I just really thought that I could get through life without needing medication, but I seriously don't know if I can. I am seriously distressed because I realized I only had 2 klonapin left. Like ever, like to my name.
God I wish I could drink.

More about that later. For now I am going to go get dressed and try to put on a happy face and get through this for someone else.

If anyone cares.
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