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[personal profile] sweetmeri
I am having food and eating issues again. Always, always, always I feel fat. I am so tired of feeling fat. I had gotten down to 188. I have such a long long way to go but I was starting to do it somehow (God only knows how). Now I have gotten back up to 192.4. I am so hungry but I don't want to eat. If I eat I can't stop. When I eat I get fat. I mean its not like I have really tried my hand at not eating, so its not like I even know that it will work.....well actually I have but its been because of my medication not because of my own willpower. I hate feeling like this I hate it. I can't get away from it. Why does the thought of starving myself and the act of starving myself hold so much power? Just doing it makes me feel like I could fly. And I fucking hate it! I am convinced if I lose the weight from eating healthy foods and exercising it will feel SO much better than if I lose it in by starving myself. And yet I can't get myself to do anything other than sit around and be lazy. I just sit. And eat. And eat. And sit. I can't get myself started. I hate this. I hate hating myself. I hate feeling disgusting. I hate feeling like nothing will ever change. I hate being hungry and being angry at myself for being hungry. Why do I get hungry? Why do I have to feel hungry? Being hungry is like a cruel joke to fat people. And now I am so worked up over it that I can't even eat normally. Because not only am I hungry but my brain is so worked up that it is screaming EAT EAT EAT EAT. So if I go into the kitchen now, even if I try to make good food choices, I WILL end up bingeing on bad stuff. I can feel it. I have now pushed myself over the edge where the only way to get out of this mindset is to numb myself and the only way I can manage to do that right now is to eat and eat and eat until I am full physically and mentally/emotionally. And then we are right back where we started. And I just used the term we when talking about myself, great now I am REALLY crazy. I know why though. Its because my head is screaming at itself. Eat, don't eat, you will be fat, no eat EVERYTHING you want FOOD FOOD FOOD,no I don't I dont' want food food will make me fat. No you want to eat ALL!


SHUT UP JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP STUPID BRAIN! SHUT UP! NO ONE LISTENS TO YOU! YOU ARE WRONG! YOU ARE WRONG! I CAN DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY! I AM STRONG ENOUGH! I WILL GO EAT. AND I EAT WHATEVER I CHOOSE, WHATEVER I WANT AND I WILL BE AWARE OF IT AND I WILL ENJOY IT. I WILL WIN! I WILL BE NORMAL! I WILL BE FREE FROM THIS HELL CONCERNING FOOD. AND LATER I WILL TAKE A SHORT WALK OR DO SOMETHING ACTIVE. I WILL NOT HOLD MYSELF TO A DISTANCE OR A TIME OR ANYTHING. MAYBE I WILL JUST WALK TO THE MAILBOX AND BACK JUST FOR FRESH AIR. AND BRAIN THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU. KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT STUPID BRAIN, NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!!!!!

*collapses in exhaustion and goes to do the dishes, clean the kitchen, and find some food*

Update.....after I posted this, I went and took a bubble bath which at least helped me feel cleaner. Then I did some dishes, and then it was unfortunately binge city sweetheart. I thought that by acknowledging it that I could prevent it but it was not to be prevented today so....unfortunately no progress was made. It will be worse tomorrow when I weigh my stupid, weak, disgusting, fat, self.

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sweetmeri

May 2013

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