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I am quitting the 30 day.....at this point its just irritating me. It doesn't come close to touching what is really going on with me. And it just takes away from the eloquence that I want to offer. Not that I am really that eloquent but you get the point. It's more venacular, more fake in a way. Yes its me, and its about me, but its not necessarily about what makes me tick lately or where I am. Where am I, you ask? Well I don't really know myself. I spend my days lately feeling like a fish in very shallow water that is floundering around trying to get to deeper water so that they can breathe. So much thought flows around my head all the time.....much of it deep. I had an interesting conversation with Tim last night about what I want. And whether I don't know what I want or whether I know what I want and am afraid to admit it, or if I know what I want and don't know where to start. It's all of those and none of those, and damned if he doesn't know me SO well which is comforting and scary at the same time....He told me that he sees me in yet another struggle and he is afraid that I have just given up this time. I have overcome so many struggles that he thinks this time I have just given up. He's not too far off there......

I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I want with my life. I think I want some thing but then it either turns out that its not what I expected or it disappoints me somehow and then I end up back at square one. The worst part is that I don't know how to figure out what I want. I don't know if its because I feel like I can't trust myself or if I feel that I will start something and either it won't be what I expected or what. I just know that I have been VERY lost lately with not the slightest clue of how to save myself.

This has led me to make an important but scary and anxiety provoking decison for my health. I am going to call the people I was going to nanny for today and tell them I can't work due to some major health issues. I HATE that I am going to leave them in the lurch, but I have NO business taking a full time job while I need to take care of myself. It will mean having to give up my therapist and whatever else. I just can't do it. At least they have a month in which to find someone else. I am worried this is going to put a stain on my name, but I worry more about what would happen if I took the job and then felt trapped. And better now than start and quit when I am established and they trust me and what have you. But I am DREADING the phone call. I mean beyond belief terrified. BLEAH. Wish me luck and send me strength, I'm gonna need it.

Lots more to say but not sure how to say it right now, so will post again soon.....

Love,
Merideth

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sweetmeri

May 2013

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